I remember when we first started watching Supernatural together. The way you'd giggle at me when I hid behind the covers, or chewed my fingernails until my fingertips hurt, because I was so scared of what was happening on the screen.
It's always been that way, huh? We'd watch one of those scary shows, not movies so much, but TV shows, and you'd be cool as a cucumber while I was scared out of my mind, and you'd sit there laughing at me.
I loved that you did.
It was never fake, either! I was always truly honestly scared! But having you laugh made me feel safer. Made it not quite so scary.
I remember when you had me finally sit down to watch Buffy with you. How I'd teased you for months, maybe even years, about "That dumb Vampire show" and how you'd insisted it was amazing and I needed to give it a chance and not to knock it until I'd tried it. For the longest time, I remember you basically telling me to sit down, and shut up, and starting up the DVD that first time. Rolling your eyes at me and telling me to shush anytime I even tried to complain.
I cherish those moments. Not because of the show, (Which I admit, I became a massive fan, thanks to you.) But because it was something that was yours. Something you truly loved and were passionate about and you shared it with me, because you wanted me to share in this special thing you loved.
You taught me that being a fangirl was not only okay, it was awesome. That getting excited each week when a new episode was about to air, was something to celebrate. That making an event out of "Dumb Vampire shows" Or "Two boys in an Impala" was good, and healthy, and that sharing it with someone you love makes it that much more special.
In about 2006, a year after it first started airing, you and I delved into the world of Supernatural. And we'd stay up late at night, in the dark of course, so it was more scary, and you'd giggle while I cowered from the screen, and it became our second series we fangirled over.
I especially loved how, when the scary stuff happened that I could and did watch was on the screen, you'd tease me mercilessly, but when the stuff I was truly afraid and phobic of, (like the bugs) came on the screen, you'd tell me to cover my eyes and make sure I didn't have to see it.
You understood the difference, and you respected it, and it meant a lot to me.
Now it's 2014. You've been gone four years, and Supernatural just started it's tenth season, and you've missed so much. Though, going with my theory that you get awesome wifi in heaven, I'm sure you're all caught up and watching along with me, somehow.
This show means so much to me. Sure, it's a great show with great characters and storylines, but it means so much more to me, on so many levels. In the same way Buffy was your first fangirl experience, this was mine. And every week when the boys get in the impala, I like to imagine you're right there watching with me, like we used to.
But it hits close to home on another level, too.
Dean has always felt so responsible for Sam. Lived by the mantra "Look out for your little brother" And has done everything in his power to protect him, take care of him, and keep him safe. There are times he hasn't been able to though, despite all of his best efforts, there are times things have happened he just couldn't stop, and just couldn't avoid, and Sam's gotten sick, or hurt, or dead.
The guilt and remorse that Dean lives with every day because of that, is exactly how I feel about you. You're the Sammy to my Dean, and Dean has several times been able to put into words so much of what I've felt over the years.
I found this tonight, and it so hits close to home, it's one of those quotes of his that explains and describes what I feel, or have felt, perfectly, and I wanted to put it here.
I do feel that way. I mean, my rational logical brain knows that you got sick. That I'm not a doctor or a scientist, and I couldn't fix you. But the big sister in me, feels like I did let you down, like I failed you because I couldn't make you better and I couldn't keep you alive.
Dean got the chance at least to make a deal with a crossroads demon to bring Sam back, but they don't really exist, so I couldn't.
But damn...If I could have? I would have.
Miss you kid. I love you.
Bear
No comments:
Post a Comment